i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
