He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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