I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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