im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
