carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
