I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
