chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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