Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
