he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
