my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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