Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
