Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
did i just pee glitter
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
