Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
