Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
