The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
