Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
