I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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