I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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