not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
