So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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