I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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