then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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