God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
