DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i wish my penis had a tongue
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
