Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
