my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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