My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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