I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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