the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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