come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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