I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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