dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
