I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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