Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
