Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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