I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
