Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
