Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
