So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
