He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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