In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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