I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
