we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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