He had one of those small greek statue penises
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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