Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
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You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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