I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Randomize
