My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
