Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
