I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
