i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
