a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
