remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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