Please don't use social media to get back at me.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
