Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
