I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
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She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
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Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.