I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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