Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting