You made me cry and you don't even care
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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