ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
