Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
