Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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