You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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