guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
