Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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