We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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