Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
